- ??? -
i know i haven't moved you in such a long time
everything's been crumbling down on all sides
pity me, look at me, give me what you worked for
everyone
look at me
look at me

i know you all have lives to tend to
i know you all have dreams to sell
i just need to fill my lungs
i just have to pretend
this way
you'll have to look at me
look at me
look at me

...

just something that was running though my head just now while thinking about someone.

i think it's pretty sick that sometimes people can get just so caught up in themselves, that they can completely abandon all their common sense all at once.

- ??? -

when i found you, you were barely breathing
took you in, and gave you almost all my everything
underneath the eyes we flood our minds
drilling holes in our spines, our souls are paralyzed
kill our memories as we crawl around the line

she must have gotten into you
a host for all her venomous crimes
tying strings around your limbs
her little puppet dancing to every wimb
why is it everything you touch eventually dies

i think i know why
i think i know why

- just a few words that were running through my head.

the power of the pussy, man i tells ya! makes you do some real fucked up shit. i don't think i'll ever understand what happened with losing one of my closest friends to this ... girl. you know how shit like this happens and people wish the worst on their enemies? well, for the longest time i was the exact opposite. i tried to be the decent person in my head and just say, "well, he'd better be fucking happy. after everything that was sacraficed, i hope he's lovin it up." and i was cool with that.

until now.

i hope he thinks about the fact that one of the major reasons him and i connected as friends was because of an experience revolving around the relationships to our respective fathers. that we both fell apart at the idea of them ever leaving us. granted, we were drunk, but those are real emotions brought up by a very real topic. and now my father's gone. after not hearing from the friend for about a year now ... he rears his head and says he's coming to pay his respects. and he doesn't show. he had both of my numbers and two days to call. he didn't. it would have been one thing to just offer your condolences and continue to be a piece of shit. but to go so far as to say you really want to come out and pay your respects, that at least shows a sliver of good character, right? so then we have the nothing that came from it. i don't know why i expected  it to be any different. i guess i just wanted to have faith that maybe we could work things out.

man, this whole thing all sounds so home-owner if ya know what i mean.

it's amazing how people you got through so much with can turn their backs on your for a crumby piece of the old hair pie.

* cough *

so it's been almost a year. so where am i coming from? well, to get right into it ... my dad passed away in his sleep a week ago yesterday. my life has changed drastically in the past 7 days. not only because he's gone. but for all of the events that have surfaced in spite of his passing. the will. what was left to my sister and i. to make a long story short. nancy and i, we're taken care of.

but i'm in my 4th semester at school - i am now attending Katharine Gibbs in Melville and doing mighty with a 3.88 cumulative GPA and studying Video Game and Web Design. i'm really enjoying it, and love the fact that for once in my schooling career, i'm at the top of my class. it's a good feeling.

nancy and i will be together for 2 1/2 years this november 21st. we live together now in a 3 bedroom apartment in Sound Beach, New York. we rescued (adopted) "the" sweetest cat in all the world, her name is Moo Moo. words couldn't do justice for the love i have for this part of my life. nancy, moo moo, this place, my family, my dear close friends, and so many things to look forward to.

i've been writing a lot again. obviously there is more then enough going around to fuel the inspiration fire these days. i really miss my dad. i want to hear his voice. i want him to be there physically for so many more things in my life. friends move away, get married, have kids, lose touch ... your dad is the guy you picture hanging out with later in life, that person that can really laugh along with you at what kind of a person you turned out to be. that one other person in your life that really knows the pride of you having children one day. the cycle continues, the name goes on, more adventures to be had and mysteries to solve. and he's not here.

it's good to write about him. the only way a man truly lives on is if you tell his stories and speak of the memories. it's the only way someone truly becomes immortal in this life.

hey guys

yeah, i'm still alive.

very much so actually.

i got my intestinal surgery done last week.

i'm about to start a whole new life.

cheers.

On the other end of the spectrum from my last entry...

Some things I really do love about my life.

First and foremost, I love my girlfriend, Nancy. She is my saving grace at the end of everyday.

I love the fact that I can be really mature about certain things, and then quickly regress back to my childhood to appreciate things such as: Cartoon shows and films, Videogames Videogames Videogames (I really do enjoy the time that I can get lost in these other digital worlds. I"ve been playing Elder Scrolls Oblivion on my XBOX 360, and when I see the amount of hours I've spent creating these characters ... first I think to myself, Wow, I need to get a life or do something more constructive. After that, I think about how much fun I'd had while wasting those hours. And I decide that it's all worth it. Life isn't all about working toward things, you can stop and take some hours for yourself and just have a good time in something you enjoy.)

I love my band. As much as I'd like it to be something more than what it is, I do enjoy that at least to some degree I get to strut my writing talents and such. It's frustrating at times, and discouragement comes real easy. Though, we keep doing it when we can, jamming on new material, and just try to entertain a little bit, maybe even connect with someone in the process.

I love the fact that despite the hand that I'd been dealt, I retain a certain level of dignity, pride, and hope for a future that is far better than today. When you're sick like I am, it's very easy to give up on everything, just to say "Fuck it!" and go hide somewhere. But, I go out, I organize, I care, I move in a forward direction regaurdless of how much time it might take me to get there, I use my talents everyday I'm alive whether it be through drawing, writing, singing, or just creating scenarios to keep my life and the ones around me interesting at best.

So what do you love about your life?

No. 6

i float on thoughts of rescue
it's going to close
they're going to close
but they don't
they open themselves up to you all over again
we don't have to start from the beginning
but even one step back at this point seems light years away
from where i want to be

i have eyes to carry me
i have ears to put some of these sighs away
keep my faith grounded in a bright direction
once you start believing their lies
it's so hard to not want to write the ending yourself
and soon

- written by me of course

i'm tired of waking up in blood, shit, and bile. over the past weekend i power washed the house for my mother and stepfather. it took me 3 days because i don't have a lot of energy and that shit is just tiring. so for 3 days i swayed back and forth with the water pressure blasting from my hands, not knowing how much i was going to pay for this. i thought i was doing something nice, i thought i was lending a hand to the house suties since i live here free of cost.

i ended up fucking myself by creating such friction from the constant motion that the top portion of my wound ballooned up and everything got all fucky. i could barely walk for two days. the welt on my stomach was nothing short of unbearable. the skin stretches so much that it wants to break, but it won't, and eny kind of movement makes you feel like someone is just trying to tear the flesh right off of you. pangs shoot up and you can't talk, you just bite your lip and slam your fist on a table in the diner and wait for it to go away.

nancy, of course, does everything she can to help and comfort me. i love her more than i could ever hope to describe. but life only brings a certain tyoe of magic, and unfortunately ... curing a chronic disease such as this that kills isn't one of them. it brings on a tremendous feeling of helplessness. this is something i kind of have to conquer on my own.

i was supposed to help my father move tomorrow. no go. i ws supposed to go out to Fort Dix to see Chris is jail for his birthday. no good on that either. this bullshit is altering my life in ways that i don't care for. i'm really sick and tired of getting my hopes up, believing that i'm on the right track, only to wind up in pain and have everything move several steps backward. i'm sick of being afraid to sneeze or cough because it makes the stomach muscles contract, and i don't want to tear anything.

it's going to be 3 years this February that this shit will have been leaking and open. i've had bandages on myself since christmas of what will be 3 years ago. i'm a little bored of this shit. i'm tired of being the sick boy. i want to get my life in order. i want to move in with my girlfriend. i want to be able to enjoy certain foods.

last night i hobbled my way to madison square garden theater (thank god that place was right in Penn Station) to experience Radiohead for the first time. Nancy and I were treated to a most amazing performance. Chris had been right all along, it's just as peaceful and amazing as a Tool show.

1. You and Whose Army
2. National Anthem
3. 2+2=5
4. 15 Step
5.
Morning Bell
6. Arpeggi
7. Videotape
8. Kid A
9. Fake Plastic
Trees
10. Climbing up the Walls
11. Nude
12. Bangers 'n Mash
13.
Idioteque
14. There There
15. Street Spirit
16. Bodysnatchers
17.
Lucky

Encore 1:
18. I Might Be Wrong
19. Down is the New Up
20.
The Bends
21. Everything in it's Right Place (silent night intro by
Thom)

Encore 2:
22. House of Cards
23. How to Disappear Completely

Couldn't ask for better than that. We had amazing seats, the whole show was simply gorgeous and relaxing. We were also treated to a most amazing performance by The Black Keys ... i strongly recommend thier album Rubber Factory!

Thank God I have my friends, my family, my love, and my dreams.



EVERYONE IS INVITED!!!!!

be there, or get bent.

seriously, it's gonna be kick ass!

whatever plans you've got, cancel them.

we'll see you there!

and the winner is ...

"Jaime" the boy/girl shit dancer from - So You Think You Can Dance -


"i am a gender chameleon."

it's gonna be so awesome when i can find a clip of this online, and share it with you all.

oh, my day would not have been complete without this little comedic gem.

i am british. everything i say sounds witty.

congradulations to the silver haired boy!
i knew a guy with the same affliction in middle school.
he would have loved to sell Coke and Cars for his soul as well i'd bet.
but he probably would have done it playing hockey.

i would ...
i would ...
wish this all away ...
the time has come to buckle down the hatches and make for the high seas of responsibility and future planning stuff. i am fortunate enough to have someone totally amazing in my life that i feel like sharing it with. so, within the coming weeks - i'm going to be looking for work (if i can, i still need to call medicaid and stuff) we're going to be continuing gathering information about how much it would be to realistcally move, and where we should move to. just so it doesn't come as a big shock. we might be moving out of state. the point is, i'm more than ready to move out and be on my/our own, i just need to have the means and build up what i need, ya know?

personally, i'm rooting for out of state territory. there are some things here that i would really miss. but there are so many more things i could stand to be a bit further from.

like these tanned long island orange skinned throat + finger fuckers?! now granted, nasty hooches are everywhere. but this island holds one of the rarest of breed ya see. these princesses with their year round too much oatmeal stout beer last night shit colored skin, those finger nails that look like Lee Neon Press on Freddy Kruger nails that they TAP TAP TAP whenever they are waiting for their change in 7/11! The way they pull on their crimped gel crusted pigs tails strands of what they dare to call hair, held back making their shiny foreheads seem about 3 stories too tall - the foundation for this monstrosity same wanna-be gang color headband. BEING HARDCORE DOES NOT INCLUDE BEING STUCK IN THE 80'S BITCH! TAKE IT OFF!

"yeah, fuckin a right! so's i tell this guy, eh? yeah, so i tells this guy i says." quick! who am i? "i says, you think you can fuckin jerk me like this guy?" have you got it yet? "i tell him to put that car back on the fuckin lift and take a betta look, or i'll break his fuckin face, ya know?" every car mechanic, and his stories. "this is what i tell the bastid. fuckin a right." i could do without them as well.

the band is coming back together! we've got some new/revamped material coming everyones way real soon. be looking to attend more shows and party with us in late June!

( Click here for more vacation craziness!!! )

How you enjoyed the picture show, cause there's actually going to be quite a bit more in the following days.

The trip was absolutely fantastic. There were some bumps in the road along the way ... but the fact remains that when it was just Nancy and I together ... we had the time of our lives. This trip had done a lot of good for as it taught me quite a bit about Nancy and I. I love her, and I don't just mean I love her and we're happy ... I mean, that sometimes couples go away together and things come out. The situation of being in a foreign place sometimes brings out hostilities in people and they end up making a crappy time for themselves. Not us, the one thing that proved true throughtout the whole trip for me ... is that I could be anywhere with this woman, and we just make a great time for ourselves.

Palm Springs is NOT all it's hyped up to be! Trust me when I tell you, that you'd almost be better off going anywhere else. And if you have to go there NEVER EVER a. go with friends. b. stay at the Desert Palms Spa Hotel = this place equals some pretty fowl shit.

As far as Coachella goes ... the thing about it that's totally awesome is that ... it is so huge, and so easily to get lost, that the broken group ends up having so many different experiences and everyone has their own personal story to tell according to who they watched that day and where they were. This part of the festival is fantastic, as well as the back drop for it - once the sun sets that is, the place is brutal during the daytime - I loved just walking around with Nancy and not having to be concerned with meeting up with people. Once we had figured this out, things had gone much smoother. However, don't be fooled! Coachella is just like any other aggravating to navigate festival, only really really fucking hot, and much farther away. We both had such a great time taking in the sounds of Tool, Digable Planets, Daft Punk, Massive Attack, Madonna (sucked) Matiyahu, Wolfe Parade, Ladytron, Depeche Mode, Damien Marley, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Sigur Ros, My Morning Jacket, TV on the Radio, Colette, Eagles of Death Metal, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, The Magic Numbers, Coldcut, and Coheed and Cambria - at least that's what I remember seeing. I'm sure there was more that we'd passed.

Unless the lineup was absolutely INSANE and we made the trip entirely ourselves, I don't really know if I would go back. Though, the more I think about it, I would, but only if I was phoneless (yes, I lost my cell phone the second night and have not yet been able to retrive it) and the only person I had to worry about and enjoy it with would be my partner in crime ... Nancy. No offense to anyone who might want to meet up there in the future ... but you'd have to be pretty fucking special for me to make the plans to meet at the Tela Coil before whatever. and BRING WALKIE TALKIES NEXT TIME!!!!!

Los Angeles ... what can I say? We want to move there. I want to pick up everything I have, and just go! I'd never been anywhere, except for maybe parts of Pennsylvania where I just felt so calm, and in my place. The rush of the city didn't phase me, the bright lights and stars didn't shock me that much, like it was almost comfortable and familiar, and the pacing of the day in Hollywood is just insane! I"ve got more pictures coming soon, more fun times were had ... perhaps I will go into more details about where we were and what we had done ... for now, this will do.